| Author | Message | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 13 Registered: 08-2005 |
Catalan Girl (revised) Having caged rainbow reptiles in Park Guell, a little girl's Phoenician curls afford only glimpses of her wise brown eyes as she spies a new menace: the enormous, snaking, park bench. Gaudi's undulating tribute to the weary. She flies mightily toward that petrified python, Her white dress wraps graham-flour skin, flaps in a wind gladly gifted by the sea. On turbines of sandaled legs, she travels the curved bench, dragging one hand behind along the edge to squelch baby cyclones while they are too small to endanger Barcelona. She runs aground on the knee of an old ship's rigger, a widower, who slumps alone against a black mosaic benchback. She founders; he reaches to hold her steady. Grasping each side of his tired giant hand she tugs, "Let's take the earth back with the strength of our shoulders." Catalan Girl (original) Having caged rainbow reptiles in Park Guell, a little girl's Phoenician curls afford only glimpses of her wise brown eyes as she attacks the snake bench. Her white dress wraps graham-flour skin and flaps in a wind gladly gifted by the sea. On turbines of sandaled legs, she travels the curved bench, dragging one hand behind along the edge to squelch the baby cyclones while they are too small to endanger Barcelona. She runs aground on the knee of a widower rigger, he slumps alone against a black mosaic benchback. She founders, he reaches to hold her steady, grasping each side of his tired giant hand she tugs, "Let's take the earth back with the strength of our shoulders." (Message edited by dcox56 on August 09, 2005) (Message edited by dcox56 on August 09, 2005) (Message edited by dcox56 on August 10, 2005) (Message edited by dcox56 on August 10, 2005) | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 162 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dan... I really like the opening lines and the poem is crafted in a interesting manner... but I wonder if I'm conjuring the image you intend... Basically, I think I'm watching a man and a woman moving furniture around at a beachside residence... and clearly the last line is important since everything builds up to that. When I take the ending quotation literally, I assume it means that they're cleaning up after a storm. Am I seeing it right? Maybe it's not knowing a "widower rigger" is that keeps me indecisive? Cary... | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 14 Registered: 08-2005 |
Cary, Thanks so much for your input. I have edited the poem and reinserted the original first two lines to establish context. again, I have been too stingy with detail. | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1226 Registered: 11-1998 |
Not sure if I got all the nuances you intended, Dan, but I sure walked away with a history lesson and then some. Park Guell has to be one of the most beautiful places man has created. Catalan threw me a curve as well but I'm much wiser now for the experience of researching your references. Thanks for enriching my intellect. Not an easy thing to do. Dote! D | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1747 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dan, Gaudí is one interesting guy. I hadn't heard of Park Güell until now, but looked it up. Like D, I'm not sure I get all the nuances, but I have enough of an appreciation to understand what you are describing. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit The Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 166 Registered: 07-2005 |
Your Catalian nina now seems to be the child of a Zoo custodian even though the only animals present seem to be reptiles...? or, if I'm to factor in the ending quotation, perhaps the little girl and the man are de-gaming this park, making it safe and suitable for the citizens of Barcelona? The poem is intriguing at the very least. Cary... | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4812 Registered: 11-1998 |
Yes, quite the education delivered with this piece, Dan. It must be read multiple times to truly appreciate. Beautiful imagery. Just one thing to nit upon: "Her white dress wraps graham-flour skin and flaps in a wind gladly gifted by the sea." I might dispense with the "and" and replace it with a comma. There are also a couple of articles that could be removed without loss to the flow: "Having caged [the] rainbow reptiles" "along the edge to squelch [the] baby cyclones" | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 17 Registered: 08-2005 |
Cary, Jim, Dane, and M: Thanks for taking the time to struggle with this along with me. I appreciate your comments and have put them to use in my revision. As you can see, I have revised the entire piece. I have tried to make the poem clearer and to provide more context. Bottom line, I am trying to create something joyous, not a puzzle or a research project. Thanks again for your help, and I welcome your comments on the revision. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2643 Registered: 09-2002 |
Dan, Coming in on this late I had no trouble understanding it and found the girl to be lovely and winsome. I'd love to see this zoo and that bench. It suceeds as a joyous poem for me and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 22 Registered: 08-2005 |
Thanks for commenting, Kathryn. This one has been a struggle, and I am glad you liked it. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1152 Registered: 11-2003 |
congratulations on this fine HM. Enjoyed and learned some as well. Laurie |
